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Thursday, June 30th, 2005
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| Time: | 2:34 am. |
| Mood: |  sympathetic. | | Music: | Foo Fighters~Best Of You. |
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what a strange and bizarre month this has been. Ralph and i have moved on to the cleaning up part of our lives, him with the bar and me with Michael's house. i've sent Peregrine back, it's one of the saddest and oddest things i've had to do lately. i still get the feelings of dread and despair when i'm around him, but i also love him so it's hard to feel that all at the same time. he of course was very gracious, asked me if i was sure it's what i wanted and i told him yes. when i went back to start getting my stuff out of the house a few days later, all of Michael's personal things were gone. but the door to the vault was open, and inside was an envelope. as i stepped inside to retrieve it, i realized why i'd been feeling a little off since shortly after i sent Peregrine home. the letter inside of the envelope only confirmed it.
( Everyone’s got their chains to break )
Ralph and i have settled into the former safehouse for the most part, we've finished moving our belongings in and discussed any changes we want to make. and i love the house, it suits us and i have sentimental attachments to it already considering it's where i first realized just how much he could mean to me if i gave in to my feelings for him. i'm just happy to finally have it done, to feel like we're beginning our life together.
of course part of that life is dealing with my family. Eva and Cristoff came home from Italy early, and i admit i was sort of avoiding her at first. i don't know why, maybe because i already felt we had people to answer to about the shootings, i didn't want to deal with Eva, too. but when she called me the first time Cristoff went missing, i didn't hesitate to help her. she's my sister, as much as she annoys me i do love her and Cristoff going missing without a trace? scared the hell out of me. all i could think was this was her time to lose someone and i wasn't sure she could survive it like i did. for all of her strength Eva is fragile, more so than i ever was.
but he was found alive about a day and a half later, thank the gods. Ralph and i stopped looking for him and went up to the hospital right after we got the call he'd been found, but i didn't speak with Eva. Izzy and Penn were there and i just didn't want to deal with anyone once i'd found out Cristoff had been shot, not so soon after what happened at the bar.
then Eva called me again last night, frantic because he'd left the house while she'd thought he was sleeping. i'd been told by the doctor at the hospital that they thought he'd had a psychiatric break as well as being shot, easy enough to get the info because they thought i was Eva. and now he was running around somewhere, injured and possibly crazy. Ralph and i went out again, but Izzy called me shortly afterwards to say he'd been brought home but there were some complications. like he's hearing voices and trying to kill innocent people. oh, and that she'd slipped Eva a sleeping pill and her and Yuff had Cristoff chained in the basement to keep him from doing it again.
i swear to all things unholy, i almost went over there and straightened this shit out because good christ, they chained him up! why not just put him in a straight jacket and call the men in the white coats? christ! and yeah, i have issues with using asylum tactics on people, but we're not talking about me. we're talking about my new brother in law who is now chained up to Acathla. but he's not really crazy, even if Izzy hadn't of given me the full story when i got to Eva's tonite crazy wouldn't have been my first choice. this is Sunnydale and crazy is just too normal an explaination.
Ralph and i went over right after sunset this evening, just in time to hear Eva going off about how tightly they had him chained. i felt bad for poor Izzy and Yuff because most of her yelling was directed at them and i'm sure they'd been attempting to reason with her. which is silly, even under normal circumstances, logic doesn't cut it when it comes to Eva unless it's her own strange brand of logic. i took Eva into the study to get her off of their backs and Ralph went to make buffalo wings, it's his way of trying to comfort people. i absolutely love that about him.
Eva is a disaster, which isn't a surprise. she started yelling at me as soon as i got her alone and i just let her. once she got the anger out she went to the crying, and it breaks my heart to see her feeling so useless, because i know what it feels like. and she feels guilty, for letting them chain him up and for knowing it had to be done. i promised her we'd figure out what was making him this way and we'd take care of it as soon as possible, that i would help her fix it, and that's when she begged me to make Yuffie let her unchain him. gods, i don't know if she's done this with any of them but i almost agreed to it just because it was so painful to see her like that. but i didn't, instead i told her that i would take my turns at guarding him. that made her start yelling again about how i was supposed to be her sister and how would i like it if i had to chain Ralph up. i finally just had to yell at her and tell her she wasn't helping Cristoff at all. which actually worked pretty well. she started gathering up her laptop and some books and went to researching.
so now it's my turn to sit with him. Penn and Yuffie have done their shifts and after Yuffie's i think it's been decided it's better to not let any of the humans do it if it's not necessary.
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i don't even know what to do here. by the time i got to the bar the attack had already started, and it was just a mess. Yuff was there, and he and Ralph were trying to think of how to get the people out when i came flying in. everything happened so fast after that; we managed to get the humans out, we were trying to work our way through Zane's men when Joey showed up, and then the spell was restored and Ralph let the police in and that was that. except when we went outside, we found out Bella and Eric Hicks had been shot.
Ralph and i went to the hospital to see how they were and to get the bullet removed from my kidney. i called Evan and told him what had happened briefly, and he said he'd call who needed to be called and meet me there. i should've called Col myself, i should've told him his wife could've died because of me. but i didn't, i defered to Evan and let him handle it. after my bullet was removed i ran into Penn. he's so so angry right now at Ralph and i, and i don't blame him for being upset with me but i don't want him to blame Ralph. he already blames himself enough and it breaks my heart. i stopped by to see Bella, but Col was in with her and i didn't want to disturb them or upset Col any more than he already was. i wrote him a note apologizing and telling him he could call me when he was ready and left it with the nurse.
i don't even care if everyone blames me for my part in this, because i'm willing to accept it, but Ralph? so many things were going on that were turning his life upside down, and it's not an excuse, but had all of the other shit not been happening at the same time? maybe things would've turned out differently and no innocent bystanders would've been hurt. i take responsibility for that, too. i played a part in distracting him from what he needed to concentrate on. i just...gods, i don't know what to do to make this better.
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fuck! the torturing of Kurt finally paid off and Yuff and i got a name out of him; Zane Pinciatti. Bella looked him up and it turns out? he's the head of one of the five mafia families in New York City. but wait, it gets better...so i call and tell Ralph what we found and he swears and then tells me that he's related to Joey. lovely. it looks like his and Yuff's theory about her possibly being a plant in his organization could be right.
so, the good news? we finally know who's been causing trouble for Ralph and he can now clear me of Joey's accusations about being the one that drained her. the bad news? i just spoke to Mr Zane Pinciatti and he's already sent men to attack Ralph's bar and bring him Ralph. normally i'd laugh and say good luck with that because of the no violence spell Ralph has on it, but Zane told me they found a way to take it down, and Ralph is a sitting duck.
after hightailing it out of the hotel bar i found Zane in, i took his car since i'd had to take the sewers earlier due to sunlight issues just to get to him. i called Bella first and asked her to bring the spell Ralph gave her and to go to the Magic Box with it. i explained what was going on as quickly as i could and told her i'd try and have someone meet her there that could perform the spell, because god, that spell has got to be restored as soon as possible. she told me to consider it done, have i said lately how much i adore my sister-in-law? then i called Kat, and after apologizing for the early hour, asked if she could do the spell if she had it written out for her and all the ingredients. she laughed at first and said something about the irony of her doing a no violence spell, but yeah, she'd try. i told her Bella would meet her at the Magic Box, and described her as looking very much like Izzy does. i told them both to stay outside and as far away as possible from the bar while doing the spell. not that Kat will listen, but it's not her i'm worried about. Kat's a vamp and she knows how to take care of herself, but my sister-in-law? my brother would kill me if any harm ever came to her and it was because i'd asked her to do something.
i had to call Ralph next and try and warn him, i would've called him first but i had to get them going on the spell. he swore, again, and told me to stay away, that he would handle it. yeah right, like anything could keep me away. i told him i'd see him shortly and to please do me a favor and not die. i just hung up with Yuff, since he's the one that can travel the fastest i called him last. he's on his way, probably already there and if things get too bad and start to spill out into the parking lot? i know he can protect Bella and Kat if they're out there doing the spell. i'd do it but there's no way i'm leaving Ralph if there's a fight going on. otherwise, i know he'll be trying to help us fend off these mafia guys that are coming, if they get there before the spell goes up. just, good christ, please let me get there before they do.
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Wednesday, June 8th, 2005
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| Time: | 12:01 am. |
| Mood: |  determined. | | Music: | Disturbed~Liberate. |
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i knew things might not be easy when i came home, but i didn't imagine they'd be more difficult. i didn't even go home when i landed, i sent Peregrine to the condo with my suitcases and drove straight to the safehouse to meet Ralph. i knew something was wrong as soon as i saw him, and can i just say how incredibly stupid Joey was to fake a pregnancy? the worst part was Ralph actually believed she might be, and gods, he thought he had to stay with her. which i love that he's got that kind of honor and respect thing going, but no. no way was i letting her do this to him or us.
and you know, we just want to be together. we're sorry if people got hurt, it's not like we planned this, it just happened. maybe that's why things are so difficult right now, because if this is really as right as Ralph and i feel it is, then we can withstand anything. i hate it, though. that he has to deal with this, that we can't seem to get one night together without something interrupting it. that first night when i came home should've been a good night for us, and it was after i convinced him that he didn't have to stay with her to do the right thing, but it was marred by more crap while we were sleeping.
somehow she managed to get herself drained by a vamp and i don't know if she did it on purpose, but she has a witness that claims it was me that did it. and Ralph feels awful, because due to this little war someone's waging on him, he can't afford to divide his men by clearing me. oh yeah, and she's claiming i made her lose their baby, too. which she was never pregnant with, as i thought. one of the doctor's Ralph's friends with told him she wasn't. i swear to all things unholy, if i didn't love Ralph i'd be taking care of this shit myself, because no one fucks with me or the people i love like this.
but i'm not, i'm letting him handle it while i try and handle this Big Z business. of course it would help if Kurt would've answered his damn phone on Tuesday. he finally did on Wednesday, and it didn't take much for me to get him to agree to meet me at the guesthouse in the back of my old estate. we were able to chain his ugly ass to a chair pretty easily, too but the talking part? not going as well. he's not giving us shit and i really don't want to have to cut a finger off, but i will if he doesn't start talking soon. or maybe i should let Yuff set his feet on fire or something. all i know is he needs to start saying something before i lose my patience here.
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gods, i don't even know where to start. with getting some of the information for Ralph? successful, but it grossed me out. with Ralph tracking me down as i was leaving the building? um.....let's start with Michael.
i love Michael, i do. Michael gave me something that i never thought i'd have again; hope. for the first time in years i believed i could have something that resembled a normal life, the chance for my happy ending. he's always treated me like a goddess and he loves me very much, but...Michael once told me he thought he made a mistake turning me so soon, and perhaps he was right. there's one thing we do not discuss, like some couples don't discuss politics, we don't discuss demons. he hates demons with a passion not unlike the hatred of some racial groups, and i hate that he feels that way. i know he has his reasons, and i understand them, but he doesn't just hate certain demons, he hates them all. and i can't tolerate that kind of thinking. had i known this before i asked him to turn me, would i have? probably not, because eventually we have to deal with the elephant in the room.
( you better seek out another road because this one has ended abrupt )
i don't know what i'm going to find when i get back home. i called Ralph shortly after Michael left, needing to hear his voice even if it hurts my heart to be here when he's there. something isn't right with him, but he's not telling me. he sounded terribly sad, i don't know if he was picking up on some of my sadness, but i know something is wrong. whatever it is, we'll deal with it together when i arrive back home tonite.
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| Time: | 10:56 pm. |
| Mood: |  devious. | | Music: | Voltaire~When You're Evil. |
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Yuff was able to get me what i needed to pay a visit to Kurt. i knew going to him was the smart thing to do, i've always been able to go to him when i have a problem of any kind. and that's why he's my best friend, he's always there for me and he always tells me his honest opinion. i wish i could've told him everything, though. it would be nice to have him along with me on this, kind of like old times. although it wouldn't surprise me if he shows up somewhere, he was hesitant to tell me some things because he was worried about me dealing with a Kaliff demon on my own if Kurt figured out what i was doing.
which he won't, because hey, i'm awesome at playing the seductress. i just have to slip him the mickey before it gets too far, 'cause no way in hell am i doing anything remotely close to that with him. just the thought of having to hit on him at all makes me shudder, which you know is kind of funny. my 3000 year old ex boyfriend wasn't too pretty in his normal form, but i never had to sleep with him like that. yeah, so i'm a little bit shallow, sue me.
ok, no more stalling. time to head down to Ralph's and see if i can pull off an Academy Award winning performance with Kurt.
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| Time: | 11:41 pm. |
| Mood: |  predatory. | | Music: | Lenny Kravitz~Are You Gonna Go My Way. |
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so when i said i didn't think i could make a bigger mess? i was wrong. things would've been fine if i hadn't of had to actually talk to Ralph, but i did. i'm not even going to go into how mortified i was to find out Isabella's an empath, because just...lord. we were at the bar doing the girl's night out for Eva and Ralph gives her the anti-violence spell we'd asked for. she comes back from talking to him and starts telling me how she got a weird vibe off one of his guys, so i read his mind. turns out Ralph's got a traitor in his organization, there was no way i could not go and tell him.
like i said, things would've been fine if i didn't have to actually talk to him, at least about anything other than his employee problems. but it was impossible, as much as i wanted to avoid it there was just no way to. it went downhill from there, and i feel even more foolish than i did to begin with. he was doing everything he could to get us back to being friends without the weirdness and i went an opened my big mouth. and i can't explain it, i couldn't even explain it later to Isabella, but it's like....for a moment, i saw something, a glimmer of if things were different...i just feel like i've lost something here and i'm not even sure what.
but i can't think about it, it's not something that would be good for me to think about for too long. and i told Ralph i'd help him get info on his traitor and who he's working for. however, i need some info of my own first. like can i thrall this guy? some people, and i'm assuming demons, just can't be thralled. i may of thralled the Master once, but it doesn't mean it'll work on this guy. i'm going to go down to Ralph's and see if i can accidentally run into ol' Kurt and try to casually thrall him. it would be so much simpler if i could, but never go in without a backup plan. which leaves plan B, getting inside of his home and looking around. i'm a vamp, i still need an invite so i'm going to have to use what i know best to get in there, and that's the empty promise of sex. the key being empty promise, no way in hell would i ever go that far, but i will use what i have to to help out my friends. i can't look around though without incapacitating him in some way, and i'd prefer he's never the wiser that i did it in case i have to go back.
i'd ask Michael, but then we'd have to actually talk and right now we're not doing that so well, other than being polite towards each other. i know he's waiting for me to tell him whatever's been on my mind lately, i just don't know how to do that yet. so i'll go to Yuff, he knows a lot about different demons. the trick's going to be not involving him, as much as i would love to. this is a delicate thing for Ralph and the less people involved, the better.
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oh god, i couldn't have made a bigger mess if i'd tried. and i did try, good christ i must've been completely out of my mind on tuesday. why oh why did Michael let me leave the house alone in a mood like that? but i know the answer; because it's what Michael does. he can read me like a book and he tries to respect me by giving me space when i need it and being there when i don't. but he knew, he knew i was bad off and he let me go anyway. not that this is his fault, Michael's never tried to control me or demand anything from me other than that one time, and he realized he was wrong then. and he shouldn't have to step in like that, i'm an adult and i'm responsible for my own actions. i just wish this had been the one time he had tried to stop me.
i left the house right after sunset, intending to go straight to the cemeteries and get into some good knock down drag out fights. instead, i went by Ralph's for a quick meal and a drink. i know my behavior was strange, but he never should've followed me. i'm still not sure why he did, i said some hurtful things to him in the bar. things seemed to escalate from there and it was like watching it happen, knowing the outcome, and not being able to do anything about it. i told him to go home, i told him many many times, but he refused.
gods, and i was mean and awful, i kept at him about Paige. i knew her death had hurt him more than he'd ever let on and i knew he felt the pain i felt and i just wanted someone to hurt like i did and....i was awful to him. then i...i know how i get when i'm in that mood, i'm angry and i don't care about anything, i can't feel anything until i crash so i do things to try and get some kind of feeling, any feeling, just so i can feel again. i backed him into a tree and offered to follow through on our harmless flirting.
but that wasn't the worst of it, right after he turned me down i spotted a demon and went after it. and ok, i have a weapon! i'm using the weappon! i went AFTER the demon with said weapon! what part of that makes you think if you're unarmed, you should charge in and save me? he was messed up pretty bad, the demon i chose had poisonous claws and he took a swipe from them across his chest. i'd lost some of my edge after i killed it, which was all i was looking for, a way to deal with this anger and grief until it subsided. but Ralph was hurt and he asked me to give him a ride so he could get fixed up and i did and....
( i never should've gone into the bedroom. )
i didn't even go home that night. i went to my old condo, it's not currently being rented and i didn't know where else to go. i called Michael shortly after i arrived and he didn't seem that surprised to hear i wasn't coming home. the next evening just before sunset he sent Peregrine to retrieve me, and when i got home he didn't say anything other than to ask if i was feeling better. i know he knows sometihng happened, but he hasn't asked so far. he's always prefered to let me come to him, and usually i do. i just don't know if i can and have him be rational about this.
and i don't have time tonite to try and talk to him. Izzy's throwing a get together for Eva before her and Cristoff's wedding. guess where? oh yes, down at Ralph's. i wanted to try and get out of it, i've thought of excuses but nothing seems good enough. Eva's my sister, i have to go and just hope like hell i can avoid Ralph.
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this day again. just once i'd like to go back to it being a day i didn't have to try and survive without losing more of myself to the room in my head where no one's allowed to go. but that would be worse, to have it back for one day, only to lose it again. i couldn't sleep today, and i don't think i'll sleep tonite. i'm afraid the dreams will come back, and just no, not on this day. maybe it wouldn't have been so bad this year, but it all got dredged up again when our father showed up. i didn't realize how much it would cost me to pretend to be my other sister for that short time, or i'd of never done it.
Michael, bless him, has given me the space i need, knowing what i need without me ever having to say. i've been locked up in his study since last night, not wanting to have to pretend i'm ok for anyone and waiting for sunset so i can go out. no one's tried to disturb me yet, other than Michael when he first got up and came in to silently plant a kiss on my forehead before leaving me to my grief again. Col might remember what day it is, since it's also my mother's birthday, that would explain why he hasn't come looking for me either, thank the gods. i'm grateful for that, i don't want to hurt him.
it will be dark soon, and i can feel a dangerous mean streak coming on. it's the anger, i want to rail against the unfairness of it all, hurt something, anything, and i don't want that something to be Michael, Col or Isabella. i still have the rosary, i keep it in a box in the back of my closet, and if Michael knows i have a crucifix in the house, he's never mentioned it. i have to put on gloves to touch it now, and i've been sitting here for hours with it in my hand, the power of it slowly burning through the leather of my glove, waiting to feel the sting of pain when it finally does. i'm hoping i can feel it, i'd give anything to feel something other than this all-consuming rage. it should happen by susnset, and if not i'll stop torturing my glove and just take it off. then i think i'll go out with my favorite battle axe and see what else i can feel.
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Thursday, April 28th, 2005
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my father's dead. i was prepared to do it myself, but Cristoff beat Evan and i to it. Eva called me and told me Julian had shown up and what had happened. and my god, but she was going to call Yuff and ask him to 'port the body somewhere and i told her no, i'd take care of it. i did't want Yuff to be involved again in another murder, even if the person deserved to die a horrible death.
i didn't even tell Michael, i just grabbed Peregrine and drove over there. Julian was dead, alright. seeing him like that, smelling his tainted blood, i wanted to rip him limb from limb for all of the pain he's given each of us over the years. but i didn't, i settled for kicking him and then i got to work on getting rid of him. and i swear to all that is unholy, our father's lying dead on her floor but Eva wants to argue with me when i ask her to go outside so i can bring Peregrine in. i didn't want to touch him if i didn't have to. at least Cristoff had the sense to take Eva outside before i had to pick her stubborn ass up and do it myself.
after the job of moving him into the trunk was done, i thanked Cristoff for killing the bastard and we drove out to Miller's Woods. perhaps i should've waited, let Evan get the chance to say good riddance, but i had Peregrine incinerate him. there's nothing left but ash now, and the trying to move on for the rest of us. i had to go home and tell Col that he was dead. i never wanted to be in that position, i know how it is to be on the other end of that and even if Julian was a cancer that needed to be removed from this or any dimension permanently? he was still our father and Col loved him. and i know he grieves, no matter how much he doesn't want to, he feels the loss of him more than the rest of us.
just gods, i can't deal with death. it's ironic in a way, i was willing to kill him myself yet the actual dealing with it is harder for me. the only thing i'm grateful to my father for is the ability to be cold about it or i never could've gotten through taking care of his corpse like that. it was hard to switch gears and soften myself enough so i could tell Col, it's so much easier letting the coldness take over. i had to soften the truth a little for him, too. he believes Cristoff did it to save Eva's life, which in a way is true. he did it to save all of us from Julian.
i broke down a little when i was telling Michael later. he is the only one i can let some of my walls down around without fear, and i don't know if i could get through the days ahead without him. i know i don't have the emotional baggage as bad as Eva and Evan do with him, but i hate him for what he's done to all of us. the choices we make, the reactions we have, so much of it is from the evil that man fed us while we were growing up. my one hope is that we can all heal now, but i'm not stupid enough to believe it will happen overnight. you can't erase decades of emotional abuse in a few hours. but i have my family here now, Evan's moved to town and Col and Isabella are staying. Nana's even going to spend part of the year here, although if i know my Nana, she'll have a hard time being away from all of us for a while. it will be good, since going to get Col we've had Julian hanging over our heads so it's been hard to truly reconnect with him. i've missed my baby brother, and with Julian gone maybe now we can finally make up for the two years we've been apart.
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Saturday, March 5th, 2005
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i hated to ask, but Yuffie agreed to take me to get Evan from my dimension, and Mikka agreed to come along as his teleporter. for a price of course, but she agreed. i don't know what our father is up to and frankly i don't care, but whatever it is he's not using my brother. i only hope i'm able to convince Evan that he needs to come with me now after not seeing me for two years. i don't want to, but if i have to i'll thrall him and deal with his anger after i know he's safe.
gods but i feel bad about that. i should've come home a long time ago, at least to let him know i was ok if nothing else. the only excuse i have is we didn't think it was possible for awhile, not with Astra's wish. but we had no problems 'porting here, maybe with Astra gone to wherever she went, the wish doesn't apply anymore? or maybe it never did, i don't know.
right now what i do know is i need to find Evan. he wasn't in Boston at school, which probably means only one thing; he's at our father's in New Orleans. only one place to go now, and that's to Nana's and get her to help me without tipping off daddy dearest that i'm home, if he's even in this dimension. although if he is here i should just kill him and be done with it, then we wouldn't need to go dimension hopping every weekend to find his evil ass. but i won't, partly because i have Yuff with me and also because i think Evan deserves to be in on that. um, the other Evan, in LA. lord, but this is going to get confusing fast, if i can locate my brother and bring him back? one of them has to change their name.
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Wednesday, March 2nd, 2005
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good christ, Eva called me last night and told me that her father? is my father. and Evan's father and lord only knows who else's father. i don't know how exactly, but daddy dearest took sowing your oats to the extreme. which means that Eva and i are really sisters and Evan is really our brother, or something like that. Evan's version of Nana is in town at Eva's and she's the one that put it together and told Eva. you know, if you're going to all the trouble to procreate in different dimensions, you'd think he'd at least be creative and not impregnate the same women over and over again in all three dimensions.
if this is true? it means that when he came to see Evan it was really my father and he had to of known it was really me, because Evalon was already gone. if i didn't already want to kick his ass for what he did to Eva, i sure as hell do now. he purposefully brought up Pat and twisted the knife to see me squirm, to hurt me. what kind of a father does that to his child? nevermind, the same kind that turns them over to the mafia, apparently. but jesus, what the fuck did i ever do to him? you'd think he'd of been happy i left so he could concentrate on Evan.
at least now this dimension's Evalon being in Eva's dimension makes sense, in a way that makes my head spin, but it makes sense sort of. Julian must've taken her back there, but why? i mean, he tried to have Eva killed, supposedly to save his own ass, but with this revelation? i'm not so sure now. one thing i am sure of is that i don't trust the bastard. i think i really do need to go home now to check on my own brother. or our other brother. lord, but this is one fucked up situation!
i just don't know about asking Yuffie if he and maybe Benny will take me back, 'cause the poor guy's been teleporting me and my siblings all over the place for the past few weeks and oh my god but that just freaks me out still. i talked to Yuff a few days ago and gods, he about broke my heart. i knew he seemed a little off when we went to Eva's dimension but i had no idea he was feeling as badly as he was. and i didn't know how to help him, other than to be there to listen and try to let him know that he's a good person. Yuffie is one of my closest friends and yes, we've had our disagreements in the past, but i can't imagine not having him in my life. he's always been there for me, he's always for the most part supported me and if not, given me good reasons for why he didn't. he's just so much more than the evil smartass pixie that he thinks we all see, i wish i could show him that. and gods, but i wanted to go rip Cristoff a new ass for making him feel like he had to take out the guys that were holding Eva before the damn gypsy got himself killed, but i won't. i promised Yuff i wouldn't say anything to anyone about what he told me and i'd have to explain to my sister why i was cussing out her boyfriend.
my sister. my siblings. Eva and Evan are really my siblings, and so is the other Evalon. ok, there's just way too many of me running around and not enough Evan's. definitely have to go back for my brother, if not to keep him safe from our father, then at least so we can even the sibling ratio here a little. yeah, i make no sense, sue me, i'm trying to see the humor in all of this.
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Sunday, February 27th, 2005
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i met Evan and Yuffie down at Ralph's friday night to discuss tracking down Eva's father. Yuff and i were there for a bit before Evan showed up, and he told me that Mikka was going to be the other one going with us. he didn't really say much else, unless you count his cussing about what kind of a person Eva's father is and what he wanted to do to him as conversation.
we 'ported over there later that night and immediately went to Julian's house. he still wasn't there, so we decided to go check out his office. gotta love being able to 'port in instead of wasting time thralling the security guards. it kind of creeped me out, how much everything is the same as i remember it being back home. same office, same kind of furniture, the same books in the bookcases. i even found a picture on his desk of Pat and i, but it has to be one of the other Evalon and Pat, since they're in Eva's dimension now. except, i swear it's exactly the same as the one Pat and i had taken for the engagement announcement just before...but it can't be. it's not that far off to think they'd have similiar clothing in an alternate dimension.
Julian was nowhere to be found, either. he didn't come home on saturday or show up at his office. it doesn't feel right, something just seems to be off about this whole thing but i can't figure out what. we had to get back so Evan and Yuffie could be home in time for work tomorrow, but i think it's fair to say neither of them were happy about coming home while Julian's still running around somewhere. i'm not sure how i feel about it, i was ready to go and back up Evan and make Eva's father pay for what he did to her but i don't know if i could've helped him kill Julian had we found him. i mean, when i was souless i did kill a few people, and since i've gotten it back i've felt the guilt for my actions.
i'm not sure if they want to try and find him again next weekend or what. it's kind of hard to track someone down from a different dimension, you know? i'm a little worried about Yuffie, though. he told me that he burned up all of those mafia guys after they got Eva out last weekend, it kind of surprised me 'cause he hasn't killed a human since he set that news reporter on fire. and he's still so angry, but i know he recently got his own soul back after years of not having it and i don't know how it's effecting him. it would be one thing if he didn't have his soul again, i know he quit killing for Joan's sake, but now Joan's gone and he has his soul. i don't know, i'm just worried about him. maybe i'll stop over and see if he needs to talk about anything.
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Thursday, February 24th, 2005
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i got a message from Evan yesterday about Eva. her father? apparently sold her out to the mafia to save himself and she was beaten pretty badly before Yuffie, his sister Benny and Cristoff were able to rescue her. the fuck? Eva and i may not get along very often, but no one gets to fuck with her like that. and you know, where the hell was her gypsy when this was happening, how did Julian even get to her? Evan is obviously ready to kill her father, and i agreed to go with him and Yuffie to her dimension to take care of him. i'm kind of surprised Yuffie didn't set him on fire while they were there, but he probably wanted to get Eva back here where she's safe. and how fucked up is it that a person't safer on the Hellmouth than with her own family?
that's only half of it, too. before she got handed over to the mafia she found out that Evalon and her family were there and her father was trying to pass Evalon off as her. i called to check on her after getting the message from Evan and that's when she told me what they'd found out. um, ok and how does that make sense, exactly? i mean, how do you transport a whole family to a different dimension and get them to agree to take on someone else's life? and could her father have done this? it's just so bizarre. there were times i've wondered about that whole paradox thing when it comes to two of the same people being in the same dimension, supposedly they either cancel each other out or one of them gets cancelled out, i can never remember which. but could the fact that Eva and i are here, in a dimension that's not ours, could it have pushed her out and into one of our dimensions? probably not, 'cause why would her husband and kids go with? ack, it gives me a headache if i think about it too long.
Eva sounds like hell, too. when i asked her how she was i swear she growled before saying she was fine. ok, now she may not be exactly like me, 'cause different lives make different people, but i know that fine never means fine unless it's said in the context of 'whatever you want for dinner is fine with me'. maybe she just didn't want to tell me 'cause of the snark fest we always seem to have going on with each other, but i don't know. she didn't sound fine at all, if she really was fine? she would've made some smart ass comment to me about how it wasn't my business or something and she didn't. whatever, she doesn't want to talk to me, that's cool. i'm sure Cristoff's taking care of her, so i'm not too worried about it.
Evan's supposed to be here tomorrow after sunset sometime. i guess when he gets here we'll figure out when to leave to take care of Julian. i should probably call Yuff and see who he planned on taking along, i'm hoping Mikka. i like Penn and i've met Benny once, but i don't think either of them will be ok with what we've got planned for this trip. Mikka on the other hand? so long as we pay her she doesn't care what we do, for the most part. that and at least i know she won't leave me behind accidentally.
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Monday, February 21st, 2005
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the dreams, they haven't stopped. if anything, they're getting worse not better. i tried sleeping in my coffin on saturday thinking maybe it would help, or at least let Michael get some sleep, but it didn't work. i woke up to my own screaming with Michael standing there shaking me awake. i didn't even try to sleep last night, i went to bed with him but waited for him to fall asleep before getting up and spending the rest of the evening reading.
i've been in his study most of the day, going over things in my head that i prefer to not think about. i know this confuses Michael as much as it does me, why i'm having these dreams now suddenly. when Michael, when he was bleeding out and i was scared he might not make it, i didn't have these dreams afterwards. so i don't know why i am now, but i want them to stop. just please, stop.
we went to the memorial party at Ralph's saturday night. i was hesitant to go, because i wasn't sure if it was going to be like a wake or not, and i can't deal with those things anymore. but it was ok, it wasn't the awful silence of a funeral or the uncomfortableness of a wake. it was kind of nice, to see everyone together and it wasn't contrived or painful.
i noticed Yuffie wasn't there, but i also know he was taking Eva and Cristoff back and forth to her dimension. i'd thought they were coming back on friday, but maybe not. i'd called on saturday to see if Eva had found out anything, but i got her machine. even if they did come home it wouldn't surprise me if she didn't call, so i'll try again later.
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Friday, February 18th, 2005
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Michael liked the watch and humidor that i gave him for Valentine's Day, and i absolutely loved the ruby pendant and earrings he gave me. it was nice spending the evening on the yacht, but i felt bad falling asleep on Michael as early as i did. i was just so exhausted and i can't figure out why. Michael was concerned about it and kept asking me where i'd gone before meeting him. he said when he was on his way to the yacht he suddenly got this overwhelming sense of pain from me, but not physical pain. he was fixin' to call Peregrine and have him help locate me if i didn't answer my cell phone when just as quickly as it started, it stopped and i answered.
i have no clue why he felt that from me, i'd only gone to pick up his presents and that certainly wasn't causing me any pain. but since then i've been having dreams, bad dreams. it's almost like the recurring dream i sometimes have about Pat, but at the end Michael's in it, too. and they're vivid, so much so that Michael has been waking me up because my feelings are waking him up. between my dreams and poor Michael having to wake me up, neither of us has gotten a lot of sleep lately.
why i'm suddenly having the dream again, i'm not sure but i think i know what's triggered them. Julian and his damn talking about Pat. i didn't think he'd gotten to me that bad, but it's the only explaination i can think of. and it pisses me off, too. goddamn him and his showing up and dragging all of these emotions back up for me. i've half a mind to go down to New Orleans and bite his ass for this. if these dreams don't stop pretty soon, i may just do that.
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Monday, February 14th, 2005
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Julian finally went home, so we came back from LA Sunday night after spending the weekend with Evan. i went shopping with him on Friday and we had fun raiding a jewelry store. Evan cracks me up, he got all excited when i agreed to thrall the store clerk. i should let Michael show him the wolf and bat tricks sometime, those are the least of my favorite gifts, but Michael doesn't mind doing them.
i found a really nice Tag watch for Micheal to add to the antique humidor i'd already gotten him, and i picked up a set of sapphire cuff links and platinum business card holder for Evan at the store. i'd of had the card holder engraved but i'd already commanded the clerk to leave. eh, next time i'll make them wait. Evan's right, though, i need to shop like that more often.
Michael and i decided to spend the evening on the yacht, but i told him i'd meet him there. first i have to go by my old store where i stashed his humidor when it came in. i love the man, but he's about as patient as i am when it comes to gifts and i wasn't going to make it easy for him by hiding it in the house. lord knows he locked mine in the vault, knowing full well i can't get in there or persuade Peregrine to open it for me.
i was driving down to the store when i noticed a for sale sign in front of this huge gorgeous brick house. Evan's seeing about letting us purchase the beach house in LA, maybe i should see about getting him this house for when he's here visiting.
( i slow down and pull up in front of the house. )
just as i was stepping onto the front porch my cell phone rang. it was Michael wanting to know if i'm ok and where i am. i told him i'd spotted a house that i thought Evan might like, but i'd come back and look at it later. he sounded really panicked and kept asking me if i was alright and did i need him to come and get me. of course i was alright, a little tired but that was probably because i hadn't eaten yet. silly man, sometimes i think he worries too much.
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Friday, February 11th, 2005
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Michael and i are still in LA. Evan went down to see Eva and Cristoff at Mardi Gras last weekend, but so far no word on Evalon. the best either of them seemed to get was from his grandmother that she feels Evalon and Pat are ok, just not in the city. oh, and she asked for me to come and see her soon, too. which i can do, just not now 'cause Julian's still lurking around here.
i wish he'd either do something or go home. he hasn't approached Evan again, and as far as i know he has no clue where Michael and i are staying. of course he could be sticking around waiting for his Evalon to bring Pat and the kids by, if he truly bought my story. i'm starting to wonder, though. he needs to go home, cause i'm tired of stalking his ass while he's here.
we're supposed to be going back to Sunnydale this weekend, now that the singing's stopped. i don't know if we will, though. i'm not comfortable leaving Evan if Julian's still here. yes, i know he can take care of himself, but Julian's way of damaging someone isn't usually physical, it's psychological. no way am i going to leave him to deal with that. i'll call him in a bit and see if the beach house is open for the weekend or if we need to go to a hotel.
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Tuesday, February 1st, 2005
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good christ, but that sucked. the meeting with Julian, that is. gods, i about made myself sick having to act like little miss mary sunshine. at least he wasn't too awful to Evan, although i almost stepped out of character when he vamped on Julian. manipulative bastard, using our Nana like that to get to him. Evan seems ok with it, though. unless he's just covering, in which case it makes me want to go back and show Julian my vamp face.
and he would not shut up about Pat. i about jumped out of my skin everytime he brought him up. only reason i didn't freak out and scream at him was because as far as i know? he really thought i was his Evalon. that and there's no way he could know what happened to my Pat. 'cause if he did? then that was just beyond cruel.
what scares me is the Evalon from here is missing, and Pat with her. there has to be a logical explaination for it, they can't just disappear, right? but then, Eva and i disappeared from our rightful dimensions. just, gods, as long as they're alive and happy somewhere? i can live with that. i know it's not my job to keep them alive or anything, but it made me feel so much better knowing it turned out right for them somewhere and if that's not how it is anymore...
i don't know what we're going to do once we find them. i refuse to say 'if we find them' because we will. Eva's checking things out in New Orleans and i've got an investigator down there looking around, too. i just didn't expect this, i didn't expect the mere mention of his name over and over again to hurt so much. and having to pretend i have a life with him, i think that hurt the most, because i wanted it so badly and didn't get the chance. and gods, but what if i have to deal with Julian again while we're looking for Evalon and Pat? he's going to want to see his granchildren and son-in-law and i can't produce them for him. even if i could find a way to pass someone off as him, get a glamour spell done or something, i couldn't do it. i could not, just no, i couldn't stand there and see him again, even knowing it wasn't real.
maybe Julian will just go home and not contact Evan again. yeah, and maybe pigs fly.
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Sunday, January 30th, 2005
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Michael and i drove over to LA friday night, we're staying at the beach house that Evan offered to us. when we arrived, there was an envelope with some listings of condos in LA, just as Evan promised. we haven't really gone through them yet, we've been enjoying being at the beach and getting used to the special tempered glass that the house is fitted with. it was strange at first, there's so much glass in this house and the few curtains there are aren't very thick. just before dawn saturday morning, Michael and i tested it to make sure it was really vampire-safe before going to bed.
since then it's been wonderful. i haven't been in the sun for almost a year now, and while i don't miss it, i do miss being able to stand at a window during the day without fear of catching on fire. and Michael, gods but i forgot how beautiful he is in the sunlight. i'd only seen it once, on the day he turned me and used the monkey's paw so he could spend my last day with me, but seeing it again? he's just gorgeous. when Evan gets back tonite i'm going to ask him if he can hook me up with whoever makes this glass so we can replace all the windows in our house in Sunnydale with it. i'd have all of our houses fitted with it, but the glass in the villa in Venice and the house in England are all original, it would be a sin to replace that.
the meeting with Julian's tomorrow. that should be interesting, hopefully Eva and i can truly put aside our differences for this. i know i have little to no patience, but the girl just knows how to piss me off. and this isn't about us, it's about being here to support Evan. he hasn't said it, but i know on some level this has to be painful for him. i don't really have many issues with my father, but this version of him already has a strike against him for how he's ignored Evan up until now. i have no clue how or if we're going to explain to him about Eva and i. personally i don't think we have to, this is about Evan, not the wonders of interdimensional travel.
i guess we'll see once tomorrow comes, but for now i'm going to go sit in the sun with Michael.
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evalon's journal
guilty.
worried.
melancholy.
restless.
anxious.
irate.
discontent.